it wasn't lemon gatorade
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
