I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
