Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
