What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He felt like a one man threesome
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
