dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
