I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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