There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
