i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
