Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
