I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
