I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
