and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
