dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
