He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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