Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
