sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
