If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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