I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
