Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
