Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
