it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
