Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
