Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Someone came in the potted fern
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
