I'm lost and stupid without you.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
