You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We had to coat check the pizza.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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