She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
