Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
handjob tips. give me some.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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