Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
