After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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