it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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