glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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