So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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