just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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