It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
