She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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