I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
