the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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