Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
