god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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