I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
