i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
