I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
