Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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