If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I smell like Dick and happiness
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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