I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
