We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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