i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
