I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
