Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
