everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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